Ramblings of a Neurotic Ice Princess
by fangiosfriend
Summary: Leia finally faces up to some home truths. Han features metaphorically. Leia's counterpart of "Thoughts of a Scruffy Nerf Herder." T rated for some yummy Han descriptions and Leia's wandering fantasies.


**This story is for jeanmarie3 who very kindly made the suggestion and StatsGrandma57 who always leaves a review after reading! It's wordier than Han's because Leia is soooo much more in denial and always takes longer to get to the point…Enjoy! **

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With an awfully unladylike snort, Leia lurched bolt upright from her horizontal position on the map table, flailing her arms about like a drunken wookie in a desperate attempt to counterbalance her violently wobbling chair.

After peeling a crumpled memo from its final resting place on her cheek and then anxiously scanning the room, she sighed with relief. Except for the meagre glow of a single lamp, she was alone. Thank the Maker. She must have nodded off again and been snoring really loudly if the noise woke her up. And there was drool. She'd never have lived it down if Han happened to saunter by and stick his smarmy head in.

Rubbing her eyes, Leia fought the automatic irritation that welled up when she thought of that infuriating man and the way he took evil delight in pointing out her shortcomings. It wasn't like he didn't have any!

Taking a sip of cold caff to lubricate her dry mouth, her cheeks instantly flushed the moment she recollected the main character and events of her dream.

Han. Han and the Falcon cockpit. Well, Han, the Falcon cockpit pilot chair and…. herself to be exact.

Oh no. She hadn't spoken in her sleep had she?

Why was she dreaming so much about him lately? How embarrassing. Han Solo of all people!

He was an uncouth, womanizing loud-mouthed rogue and she cursed the day she met him in that Death Star detention block. He was such a …man! He was cocky and abrasive and strutted around like he owned the place. He -

_He makes you feel like a woman, _a voice rudely interjected inside her head.

What?

_You know. A female. _

Well of course. That's what I am. What else would I feel like? A tauntaun?

_Don't be coy. You know what I mean. He makes you feel feminine. Pretty. Desirable. _

Lots of men make me feel that way.

_Fibber. No one else has ever come close to - _

Close! I wouldn't let that scoundrel anywhere near close-

_- comes close to giving you that delicious thrill just by looking at you._

Thrill? Ha! More like an instant migraine.

_You know where you feel it... _

Hey. Butt out! That's personal.

_You like it. You like him._

Like him? He drives me nuts! He's an idiot! Why would I like an idiot? I have better taste than that.

_Oh stop. _

Stop what?

_The self-righteous indignation. _

But it's Han. That's what he does to me.

_No. It's what you do to yourself as a way of avoiding the truth. _

What truth?

_Precisely. Let's take a look at THE TRUTH shall we?_

No. Not now. I'm tired. I have to work -

_The TRUTH! _

Why do you sound like Mon Motha?

_You could do worse taking advice from Mother Mon…how many times has she tried to make you take better care of yourself? Face up to things? _

I can't do this now. I have to work.

_Work, work, work. That's your other favourite fall back. No. We're doing this. Right now! _

Sigh…. Go ahead.

_Oh, drop the martyr act will you? _

Martyr?

_Yes martyr. It even bores you to tears sometimes. _

It also happens to be my job.

_Fiddlesticks. Give someone else the chance throw themselves on the sacrificial sword of the Alliance now and then. _

You are definitely channelling Mon Motha…

_If we are going to work out this Han situation, you have to listen me - not pretend to, or push me away._

But it makes me feel a bit…flustered. I don't like it.

_Good. That means it's time for a change. _

And you think _I'm_ bossy? Fine. I'll listen. I might not agree…

_Leia…_

All right. I'll listen – Mon ghost - or whoever is in there. I think I'm hallucinating… Go ahead.

_Thank you. Let's start with the "He's an idiot" comment. _

Here we go…

_Leia Organa! _

I'm listening!

_He can repair anything with a bit of rusty wire and a worn out hydro spanner._

He's had too - have you seen his ship?

_He can scan a tactical map and point out defects within seconds. _

I can do that too_._

_He's brave and crafty_

Oh he's crafty all right!

_No more interrupting. _

Sorry Mon Voice. Go on.

_Thank you. Look at the way he charged out and found Luke. Kept them both alive. Overnight. In a **blizzard.** Only Han could have done that._

He was just lucky.

_Lucky or plucky? There's a difference._

Well… both I guess.

_Exactly. People look up to him. They go to him. He has innate leadership qualities._

So? I'm a leader too. And I'm innate.

_What are you? 12? _

Excuse me?

_You've been trained - it's your job. He's a natural - he volunteered._

Gee thanks.

_He's a self-made man who artfully dodges bounty hunters and the Empire while executing flawless covert supply runs for the Alliance. He's hardly an idiot._ _Why else have you been pushing him to join up? Face it. You need him._

_…_

_What no snappy reply? Hello? _

_…_

_That's right. Shut down when you hear something you don't like…._

_…_

_I can wait all night young lady. _

Mmm grmm, grumble…mumble…

_Pardon me? I didn't hear that. _

I said "Very well. I concur."

_Concur? _

Yes. As in - you are right. Han Solo is not an idiot. I concur.

_Leia Sweetie, you're barely 21 years old. Cut back on the hoity toity talk or one day you'll blow a gasket. _

Hoity Toity? Have you been talking to that man?

_It's just us talking. You're not chairing the next Annual General Rebel Alliance Meeting. _

But I don't chair the Annual General Rebel Alliance Meetings. General Rieekan does.

_Leia – was that a slightly self-deprecating joke? _

Well… yes.

_Well done! _

Thanks. It doesn't mean I'm becoming more like him though.

_That makes you uncomfortable?_

Yes. He's rude.

_How? _

He has no respect for rank or regulations.

_Two years ago he was a mercenary turning tricks on Tatooine. Give him some credit. That's a big turn around. _

Well, he just says whatever he thinks!

_He's honest? _

Honest without any filters. There's a difference. He lacks any sort of tact or finesse.

_But that's what you like about him. You know exactly what he is feeling and where you stand with him. Come on, a tiny part of you thinks that's exciting. _

Exciting? All he does is shove his finger in my face and lecture me about how uptight I am. Apparently.

_Well you know how to push his buttons. He pushes yours back. It's the nasty routine you've both fallen into. _

He makes those stupid jokes.

_Some of them are actually funny. _

Not the ones about me_. _

_You just have to learn to laugh at yourself a bit more. _

He doesn't take **anything** seriously.

_The Falcon? Chewie and Luke? Feeding and supplying the entire population of Echo Base on a shoestring budget? These aren't serious things to Han? He's here and he's helping isn't? _

Okay. He works hard. He actually has friends and takes stupid risks. But he doesn't take seriously the things I want him to take seriously.

_Meaning You? _

Correct. I mean…yeah.

_You're serious enough for the both of you. Maybe he's just trying bring some levity into your day_?

All right. Maybe I should "lighten up" more as he says. Are we done?

_No. The TRUTH remember?_

Fine! Say it!

_You want him. _

Ha! Want him? A scruffy space pirate?

_You think that scruffy space pirate is incredibly sexy –_

I do not!

_You want him to do the all the wicked things those deadly eyes of his -_

Stop it!

_ - promise one day he will. You want him – _

I'm not listening!

_ - to grab you and kiss you and touch all the places.. _

La la la la!

_- that have ached for his hands to explore.._

I can't hear you!

_And you can't stand not being able to touch him back. _

…...are you DONE?

_Yes. It had to be said. _

Well, that was a long overdue post-adolescent moment.

_I'm right though. Aren't I Leia? _

Well.. um..

_Do you want me to continue? _

No! I… how did you… well ... I guess.

_So you DO think he's sexy. _

Um …

_Leia… _

Well…..bits of him are sexy.

_All right. That's a start at least. What bits? _

What is this? A Mr Hoth, live from Echo Base beauty pageant?

_Another joke! _

I do actually have a sense of humour.

_I know. Come on, tell why he is sexy. _

What's the point?

_ It will do you good to talk dirty for once. Even if it is just inside your head._

I can't.

_You can. _

I'm too well breed.

_Come on girl. You ARE a girl remember? _

Stop pressuring me! I've never done that before. It's weird.

_It's just me. No one else has to know. _

You promise?

_Of course._

Swear?

_If I had a toe, I'd be tapping it by now. Get on with it. _

Right. Let's see. Han. Sexy bits of Han...

_Come on. It's not like there's a shortage of material._

I'm visualising OK?

_One of the nicer fringe benefits of my job I must say.._

I know! Ok I have it.

_Good._

He has nice hands.

_No. I don't think so. _

They're clean.

_It wasn't his hands you noticed first. _

It was! I like his fingers. They're long and nicely tapered. He looks after his hands even though he uses them a lot.

_His nicely tapered fingers? His clean hands? That's about as dirty as a day inside Threepios' head. _

OK. OK! All right…. remember when he had his shirt off in the maintenance bay?

_That's more like it! _

And he was lifting that really heavy engine part?

_Who'd forget THAT picture in a hurry? _

He has nice…muscles. He's really strong and sometimes…

_Yes…? _

Sometimes I imagine what it would feel like …

_Yes…_

…if he held me with those arms. He'd be warm and he'd smell really nice. I want to… move my hands over his skin… Oh gods I sound like a girl!

_You ARE a girl. It's OK to feel this._

I'm actually blushing. I can't believe this.

_Well, you've finally admitted he's a prime specimen of the male species. It's a big night. _

Since I've broken the ice… I also really like his arse. There - I said it!

_Leia, his arse is self-evident. But to concur… it is a rather exceptional site in those tight pants with yellow stripes down the side and his blaster belt looped over the top._

Oh that's my favourite outfit! Remember the fresher pipe?

_Sweetie, it's blazed permanently into my metaphorical retinas._

I've never reacted to the back-end of a man so violently. I had to pretend I was coughing and reverse out the room.

_You're very good at covering. Too good perhaps. _

Oh Oh! And that time when he fell asleep on the couch in the General's office with one boot on the armrest and the other on floor and his legs…

_My, you've caught up quickly haven't you? _

Shut up… I'm final getting the hang of this… and his legs were all sprawled but carefully arranged like a beautiful sculpture. And he was breathing deeply with his arm up over his head, so restful and calm. He was delectable.

_Delectable? Nice adjective. Phew! Well we've done some excellent work today - _

- I LOVE his mouth. Even when he's angry…especially when he is angry. I can't believe I' m saying this… the way he smiles or smirks or leers at me. It's so expressive and sensual and mesmerizing. Why hasn't he kissed me yet? Oops!

_Why Oops? _

Did I really think that?

_Yes you did._

He's never tried once. He doesn't like me… does he?

_Have you even hinted you want him to?_

No.

_He's not a mind reader. He has to know too. _

He wants to know?

_Of course. Even though he's cocky – he's also human. Han has his vulnerabilities too. If he didn't care he would have risked rejection by now. _

But I'm not his type.

_And what is his type?_

I don't know. Tall? Blonde? Bimbo with big boobs and an even bigger ego to match his?

_Have you seen him with a woman like that? _

No. But I'm sure it's a matter of history and convenience, not choice. Thanks to me, he doesn't a have a lot of spare time.

_Poodoo! Any man who wants to, will make the time. He might do a bit of harmless flirting, but has he actually hooked up with any of them? _

Not that I know of.

_There you go. In fact, you my dear are the only female he seems to spend any time with at all. _

You could be right.

_But you keep blowing it. All you do is - _

Yell at him. I know.

_Why? _

I yell at him because I don't know what to do about these feelings. And I don't know if he feels the same.

_You already know the answer to that one._

Well sometimes, when he isn't angry, he looks at me almost affectionately. And other times when he doesn't know I'm watching him, like he wants to …

_To? _

To make love to me.

_Do you want him to? _

Yes. Yes I do. Very much. But I don't want to get hurt.

_Congratulations Leia. You've taken the first step everyone on the precipice of a new relationship has to take_.

I have, haven't I?

_I'm proud of you. _

A precipice. You're talking about trust aren't you?

_Trusting yourself as well as him_.

I've never had a relationship. Is it always this hard?

_Not always, but its worth it with the right man. Is Han worth it?_

Yes. I admit it. Yes he is.

_Even though he drives you nuts? _

Maybe _because_ he does. I've never met anyone like him. He makes me feel… like I could do anything around him. That's scary. But also nice. I can't avoid getting hurt can I?

_No. _

I have to take that risk?

_And so does he. _

So maybe I should just…

_Yes? _

Let him in?

_Only half way. He has come to the table too. _

When do we have time for that? There's a war on!

_All the more reason to take what happiness you can, Leia. _

I suppose I could try. Try not to pull back. Oh gods I wish knew what I was doing!

_No one knows that. We just make it up as we go along. Now stop obsessing and go get him! _

Go get him? How do I do that? What if -

_Right! That's it I'm out of here… I'm exhausted. _

You can't. I have a shipload of questions I need answers for!

_You've worn me out. _

Questions like: how exactly does one keep one's dignity but let a guy know she secretly fantasizes about his Cockpit chair and fresher pipes?

_I'm done!_

It's not like you can just borrow a manual titled "How to Seduce a Sexy Swindler in Three Easy Steps."

_I'm going now…. _

But… but the kissing! How do I get to the kissing part?

_You'll work it out. _

But –

_Just pucker up! How hard can it be? _

Pucker up? Then what? What if he wants to go to third base? What IS Third base?

_The one after second base. _

Oh thanks that's very helpful! Now I feel really confident.

_Goodnight Leia…_

Some inner guru, positive earth mother, girl power figure you turned out to be…

_Go to bed Leia! _

I mean how does anyone "Go get him?" What kind of advice is that? It's… I mean … What numbskull thought that up? It's so ridiculously apathetic. That's the last time -

_Good gods…_

I listen to the advice of weirdo voice that doesn't deliver on actual advice -

_I've unleashed a monster. _

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** Hope you enjoyed my reading my version of a frazzled Leia. I can see why Han loves her.**


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